Characteristics of PDA
Identifying Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is not always easy.
This is partly because it’s a lesser-known profile of autism. Also, because the signs can be subtle, and some people mask heavily so it’s not obvious how they are affected. To make it easier to spot PDA in yourself, your child, or someone you are working with, we have listed some of the main characteristics. This covers not only what it looks like from the outside, but what it feels like on the inside too.
1. On a daily basis I can’t do things that are expected or routine as a result of my stress response to demands. Demands cause me lots of anxiety.
This is the best-known aspect of PDA.
For a PDAer a demand is more than not being able to do something you have been told to. Demands are everywhere, in expectations, routines and bodily responses.
For many PDAers the anxiety created by expectations prevents them from doing things they want or need to do every day. This could mean that going and getting a drink when you feel thirsty feels impossible. Or that you can no longer play a game you’ve previously enjoyed because you know there is an expectation you will enjoy it.
A demand is anything that comes with an expectation to do, feel or be something: this could be as simple as getting dressed or as significant as attending school or work.
While everyone sometimes finds demands, expectations and relationships with authority difficult – the intensity and regularity of PDAers struggles sets them apart. For PDAers this experience is:
- Regular enough to impact on their lives every day.
- Illogical seeming –so not necessarily relating to how much they do, or don’t want to do something. Even small things they really want to do can feel overwhelming.
- Intense enough to be completely overwhelming. This experience isn’t something that can be shrugged off or got over. PDAers often describe their reaction to demands as ‘can’t not won’t’. The stress responses demands cause are not a choice. The stronger the demand feels, the greater the instinct to resist it.
What this feels like:
“[When I was younger] I just shut myself in my room…I completely avoided all social interaction because any demand was too much. I rarely went to school, and so didn’t get to see my friends, and missed out on a lot. I became depressed and struggled a lot with my mental health.”
Rashpal*
“Even the easiest tasks seemed so impossible, and I treated myself so badly, telling myself I was useless when I couldn’t manage to do certain things. So full of stress, high levels of anxiety and depression”
Ben*
2. I often get round demands by changing the subject, distracting people with humour, flattery, avoiding situations where demands come up, zoning out (freezing) or becoming angry, or something similar.
Demands create such extreme anxiety and stress in PDAers that they become experts in finding ways to avoid them.
Rather than direct refusal, PDAers develop strategies to manage and deflect expectations. These strategies, which aren’t always employed consciously, can range from the very subtle (distraction and humour) to highly obvious (withdrawal or aggression). If they don’t work what can follow is passive avoidance, including zoning out or appearing to “shut down”, or a dramatic escalation.
Some common examples of social strategies can include:
- Distraction, delay and diversion: Changing the subject, making jokes or introducing a new topic to switch attention or create a delay from a demand.
- Charm or flattery: Complimenting someone, engaging in small talk, or appearing very agreeable. This can create rapport which reduces the likelihood of a demand and/or makes it easier to deflect.
- Negotiation and delay: Rather than outright refusal, a person might attempt to negotiate terms, delay tasks, or suggest an alternative approach.
- Withdrawal: avoiding situations where demands come up or zoning out and thereby limiting how much a conversation is registered.
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What this feels like:
“Sometimes I see PDA as a war between separate parts of my brain… I often find a bit of humour or sarcasm takes a bit of the pressure off demands”
James*
“There was still an expectation that I would help around the house, but I found I could comply with this if I added my own conditions to the task; if I was helping with the dishes, I would decide who washed and dried”.
Tim*
3. I can talk with people and be charming, but sustained deep friendships are rarer for me
PDAers have a preferred relationship style shaped by a deep-seated need to maintain autonomy.
Historically PDAers social skills have been described as “superficial”, lacking depth and real understanding, however this assessment doesn’t reflect PDAers experiences.
PDAers working with PDA Society have said: That they can maintain strong friendships – where they want to, where the person understands their contact and communication preferences, and (crucially) can maintain their trust. They challenged people to understand that historical assessments of an ability to manage ‘deep’ relationships are based on expectations around neurotypical people’s experiences. A PDAer is likely to have difficulties with some neurotypical (NT) expectations around what friendship looks like, while having social skills which work well for the friendships they want, particularly with people who understand them.
Some examples of PDA relationship preferences include:
- Attachment to ‘safe’ individuals. Often these individuals are non-demanding and can provide a sense of security and predictability. A PDAer may rely heavily on these relationships, to the exclusion of others.
- Resistance to social hierarchies. A young PDAer may not accept that their teacher or parent has the authority to tell them what to do. Instead they may demand a relationship of equals. Similarly, an adult may find it hard to accept this of their boss. Both may need a collaborative style to be able to engage.
- Social skills (but close friendships can be elusive). PDAers can have high-level neurotypical social skills that elude a “typical” autistic person. This can mean their autism is missed during an assessment. Some PDAers describe being able to get on with people, but sustained friendships (especially those dependent on meeting in real life) can be harder to maintain.
- Need for control. A central feature of this profile is the need to control situations. In relationships, this can manifest as leading activities and/or dictating the flow of conversation. While these behaviors are coping mechanisms, they can also look like domineering behaviour.
What this feels like:
“There were times where I would isolate myself and choose to be alone because… if I did anything else it would make everything worse.”
Hannah*
“I work in a nursery and sometimes there are PDA kids… when they’re instructing me exactly what to do and where to stand, which normally would massively trigger my own PDA, somehow it doesn’t because I understand that they need this to feel autonomy and that we are on equal footing.”
Mandy*
“Some managers know how to talk to me to get results, and some just get my back up. I do well with being given choices and options.”
Hanife*
4. I experience extreme emotions and can be very impulsive.
Mood swings, extreme emotions and impulsive behaviour are key characteristics of this profile. These are not just reactions to external demands — internal pressures, such as personal goals or self-imposed expectations can create similar emotional storms, too.
These mood swings can appear extreme – and the switch rapid. However, what is usually not so visible are the multiple triggers that can occur in the run up to an explosion of anger.
PDAers are known to mask intensively, so are not always able to communicate (or know themselves) when things are getting too stressful. They can therefore appear to suddenly “lose it” having previously been calm, when really they were operating at a high level of stress to start with. One professional said to us “People say things like – they went from 0-10 like the flick of a switch – I don’t know what happened. But what they don’t understand is that the PDAer was never at 0. They’d been at 8 all day, and masking so they didn’t get told off.”
The seemingly unpredictable nature of these mood swings can make relationships difficult. It can also lead to PDAers struggling with low self-esteem as their (often instinctive) reactions can push others away or create unwanted conflict.
Several factors contribute to the pronounced mood swings including:
- Anxiety: A pervasive sense of anxiety is central to PDA.
- Difficulties caused by uncertainty: Unpredictable situations or unforeseen changes can be particularly challenging, with rapid emotional shifts as the individual attempts to regain a sense of control.
- Sensory overwhelm: Overwhelm from a more intense sensory experience (compare with people who don’t have sensory processing differences) can exacerbate emotional responses.
- Being misunderstood PDAers often have to mask as they are not permitted to be themselves without experiencing peer rejection of negative consequences. Often signs of their anxiety or distress are viewed negatively, potentially as evidence of manipulative or controlling behaviour.
What this feels like:
“After school was a nightmare. I couldn’t engage with my family or talk to them without lashing out because I was so exhausted.”
Tara*
“Peers and superiors could not understand how I could go from being friendly to going ballistic in a matter of seconds, for no apparent reason”.
Mark*
“School was extremely demanding. I masked… but the demands of homework, schoolwork, talking to different people and GCSE exams wore me down. I would come home every day either stimming for hours or falling asleep because I was too exhausted.”
Matthew*
5. I have ‘safe people’ to whom I am very attached, and who I do almost everything with. I have deep interests, often in people or characters which I invest lots [of my energy] in.
In common with fellow autistics, PDAers often exhibit strong, passionate interests. Special interests can be a form of neuorodivergent mindfulness, which can be both a source of joy and a coping mechanism.
PDAers often have more socially orientated special interests. This could involve an intense desire to be around a particular person or characters, mimicking their behaviors, or immersing themselves in activities the other person enjoys.
Special interests can be helpful for PDAers in the following ways:
- Lowering anxiety: help restore a sense of control or provide a useful distraction
- Sense of identity: These interests can offer a sense of worth, as well as a bridge to access learning and employment
- Social connection: Sharing and discussing these passions can build social connections, trust and offer new opportunities for friendships.
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What this feels like:
“The intensity with which I pursue my chosen interests [motorbikes] is consuming, often to the exclusion of everything else around me”
Tony*
“I really love spending time with my mum and my aunt. They get me. I am much more able to do things when they are around, than when I’m with other people. I don’t really like it when they aren’t there, or when they are but are talking to other people. Sometimes I get so upset I can’t do anything without them there and anyone else gone”
Jane*
6. I enjoy, or have enjoyed, role play and pretend, can be very creative and imaginative, and may 'mask' in character.
PDAers often express an enjoyment in role play and can have vivid fantasy worlds. This is particularly apparent in childhood and can provide a refuge and antidote to stressful real-life situations. Here are some ways that tasks are negotiated or re-angled to make them more possible.
The seemingly unpredictable nature of these mood swings can make relationships difficult. It can also lead to PDAers struggling with low self-esteem as their (often instinctive) reactions can push others away or create unwanted conflict.
- Reframing tasks: Both young people and adults can reframe a task in their mind to make it less of an overt demand. One university student pretended to be a spy investigating a person doing her course – that way it wasn’t her university lecturer telling her to learn.
- Roleplay and pretend: PDAers can take on different persona so the demand isn’t a direct one – for example they may pretend to be a dog being taught a new trick, rather than seeing themselves as a student complying with a demand from a teacher. Or they may adopt a role for peer interactions. In this way a young PDAer may pretend to be teacher with classmates in the playground so they can be in control of interactions.
- Intricate fantasy world On a related note, PDAers can construct intricate fantasy worlds, with fictional characters. These worlds can be linked to a person’s interests and can provide both distraction from what’s happening and can meet a need to be in control, satisfied to a certain extent by these imaginary encounters if not in real life.
As well as using creativity in tackling external demands PDAers can also be skilled in helping themselves manage their demand avoidance. Riko (a PDAer blogger) described this as ‘tiptoeing around the dragon’ – finding ways to be able to do things they need to without triggering demand avoidance. These negotiations with themselves can be an attempt to adjust how a demand is presented or interpreted, in order for a person to be able to comply with it.
What this feels like:
“I have to trick my brain so it can say yes”
Martin*
“I didn’t see [my drill sergeants] so much as authority figures but simply my equals who were doing a different job than me. This is not how it is supposed to work in the military, but it helped me cope.”
Joseph*
‘If I like the person, or boss, because they have built a relationship with me, then I am infinitely more likely to acquiesce a demand made by that person – as a favor I am choosing to do my “friend.”
Tony*
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of our interviewees
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