Adult siblings
This page is to help adult siblings of PDAers think about how to maintain a relationship with their sibling, and consider what role they want to take in their support as you both get older.
Considering whether to take on a caring role
As a sibling you can feel obligated to provide a caring role in your siblings life. But what if you don’t want to? Or if they don’t want you to? It is ok to decide that you taking on a caring role isn’t the right thing in your family.
PDA doesn’t disappear with age, and many PDA adults face ongoing challenges in relationships, employment, and daily life. Your sibling may be living completely independently, they may be receiving support from your parents to do so, or still living at home. For many adult siblings the question of how much they can and should help their siblings when their parents are no longer able to is an important one. The information on this page is intended to help you set boundaries that are acceptable to you and to ensure you are respectful of the boundaries your sibling wishes to set for themselves.
Whatever you and your sibling want, if their support arrangements are changing and you are going to have any involvement in the future it can be really helpful for any discussion to be framed around what each family member has absolute autonomy over.
You, your sibling and your parents each have autonomy over your actions and over expressing your needs and the boundaries you’d like to put in place.
Your needs and boundaries may be in conflict with each others. This may mean that someone doesn’t get the solution they want.
Your sibling has a right to say what they want their care to look like. You have a right to set boundaries around your involvement in this. It is important that you hold a balance for yourself that enables you to be well in any arrangement you come to. If this means a risk is created for your sibling and they have capacity to make decision for themselves, they have a choice about what action should be taken to fill these gaps.
It can be useful to explore what the worst thing that could happen in this scenario, and what the best outcome could be. And then agree a proportional plan that feels safe to everyone. This might mean considering if there are any agencies you can ask for help. Your local adults social care team and your siblings GP may be able to help you identify suitable local support to fill any gaps.
If you do end up taking on any caring responsibilities then you may want to make contact with a local or national carers support organisation so you know your rights and are connected with others in the same position.
Maintaining a sibling relationship
If you aren’t taking on caring responsibility as an adult sibling you are likely to still be a key part of their support network and life. While its natural to have opinions about your siblings life it can be helpful to your ongoing relationship to:
- Accept they may have different expectations around what things must be done to you. This does not necessarily indicate a lack of care on their part. Its important to remember that your adult sibling is an adult and is free to make their own choices.
- Try to avoid comparison or competition, instead focusing your time together on things you both enjoy.
- Try to avoid advising your sibling unless they ask you to. Where this happens helping them explore options and the potential outcomes of these options is likely to be more effective than telling them what you think they should do.
- Double check what the boundaries are in their home if you are unsure – while some people are delighted if you do the washing up after they’ve cooked you a meal for a PDAer it might feel like an attempt to control or rearrange their space. “Saying it feels like it’s my turn to wash up, is that ok?” is a clear sign that you respect their boundaries, and consider their needs.
To learn more about supporting Adult PDAers visit our learning hub