Questions siblings may ask about PDA
Growing up in a home with a PDAer can have some challenges. Both younger and older children are likely to have questions about PDA and their sibling’s needs. This page may help you to answer some of the more common questions being asked.
My sibling has PDA – what does that mean?
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism. This means your sibling experiences the world differently to people who do not have PDA. They may find everyday activities feel overwhelming. To help them cope with this they need to feel in control as much as possible. Avoiding demands is how they automatically try to lower their anxiety.
Some autistic people find it tricky to socialise with others and communicate easily. They might struggle to understand their own feelings or how other people respond to them.
Your sibling might also have a special interest in something which makes them feel happy and excited. They may want to talk about this and share what they know with you.
You might notice that your sibling has sensory differences and notices smells and sounds when you do not.
There may be other behaviours you notice in your sibling which are part of their PDA profile. Some PDAers also have other conditions too. If you would like to understand more about your sibling’s needs, you can ask your family about any other diagnoses your sibling may have.
Can I get it too?
PDA isn’t something you can catch like a cold. It’s simply the way that a person is born. Even though you have the same parents you can still have different colour eyes or hair. In the same way your sibling may be autistic with a PDA profile, and you are not.
Will it go away?
PDA is part of who your sibling is. As they get older your sibling might learn ways to manage their energy levels and anxiety which might make life a bit easier. Your family may also find ways to better support their needs with time. This can make things feel easier as you all grow and learn together.
My sibling doesn’t look disabled. Are they really autistic/PDA?
Autism is often described as a “hidden disability” because it doesn’t change how someone looks. Many PDAers are good at hiding their struggles, especially at school or in public. This is called ‘masking’. They are more likely to show their anxieties more at home, where they feel safest.
Why does my sibling’s mood change so quickly?
For many PDAers anxiety can be building up without them realising. Then something will just tip the balance, and they react. This might look like a quick change in mood but could have been building up. This isn’t something they can control, it’s just how their brain reacts to stress.
It can be useful to think of a PDAers’ anxiety like a bottle of fizzy drink. The bottle rolls around in your bag during the day and shakes up and down as you run home. You throw your bag down on the floor and get the bottle out to open it. The drink whooshes out all over the place. You didn’t realise that the bubbles had been building up all day and the final drop caused it to spill out.
What is a panic attack or meltdown?
When a PDAer’s anxiety gets too high, they may have a panic attack or meltdown. This can look different for each person. Some might shout, cry, break things, or lash out. Others might go completely quiet, hide, or even fall asleep.
Meltdowns aren’t tantrums. They aren’t a choice, and your sibling may not remember what happened afterward. It’s not their fault or yours, it’s just how their brain responds to extreme stress.
Why does my sibling always want to be with me and control what we do?
PDAers often focus intensely on people rather than objects or interests. Your sibling may want to spend all their time with you and decide what you do together. This can feel overwhelming. It’s okay to ask your parent/carer for help to get some time and space for yourself.
How can I help?
You might not always get it right, and that’s okay. The more you learn about your sibling, the more you’ll understand what helps.
Why does my sibling have different rules?
Are my feelings normal?
The most important thing is to talk to someone you trust. This might be your parents, another family member, a teacher, or a support group. You don’t have to deal with your feelings alone.
Here are some places that offer support for siblings:
Should I tell my friends my sibling has PDA?
If your sibling is old enough you should check with them first. Ask if they consent to having you share information about them. If they agree then you might find it helpful to talk to trusted friends about your homelife. If you’re unsure what to do, talking to your parents might help you decide what feels right.
Where can I find more information?
Where did this information come from?
PDAers and their families often tell us how confusing and unsettling it can be to meet new professionals - especially when it's not clear what their job is or what good support looks like. That’s why we asked professionals themselves to tell us, in their own words, what they do. You’ll find their honest, personal answers in the ‘What professionals do’ section of our site.
This is a growing resource, so if you don’t see the role you’re looking for yet, you could ask the person you're working with to fill in this short form.