Supporting siblings of PDA children

Being a sibling to a PDA child can be difficult and sometimes overwhelming. There might be times when meeting the needs of a PDA child means the adults in the home are less able to focus on the other children. We hope the information below helps you with ways to find a bit more balance for your family.

“Giving small amounts of regular time and attention to each child can be enough for them to feel seen.”

How can a Youth Justice Worker support a PDAer?

Youth Justice Workers who understand PDA can:

Seeing distressed behaviours: it can be worrying seeing a sibling getting extremely upset. Children might feel afraid of getting hurt and concerned for the wellbeing of their sibling. Older children may feel frustrated they can’t help a parent/carer with the situation.

Feeling left out: looking after a PDA child can take more time and attention from a parent/carer. This may mean their siblings feel less important or ignored at times.

Different rules: parent/carers often need to lower demands and be more flexible with their PDA child. This can feel unfair to siblings who are treated differently and have rules and expectations put on them.

Stepping in: older siblings might be helping with younger ones or jobs around the house. Some young people take on a caring role in the family when the adults can’t do it all.

Lack of boundaries: PDA children might enter a sibling’s room or take their stuff without asking. It may be hard at times for siblings to protect their things and/or space.

Life is different: it might not be possible to have friends over because PDA children may become stressed or controlling. Days out, holidays and special occasions can all be hard to manage for a PDAer. This means siblings may sometimes miss out.

How to support siblings of PDA children

Distressed behaviours in PDAers are often complex, multifaceted, and easily misinterpreted. They may include:

Helping them understand: using age-appropriate resources, parents/carers can explain what PDA is and how it might feel. This can help them to understand why their sibling may react differently to things.

Asking how they feel: talking openly with them about the situation at home lets siblings express their concerns and feelings. Listening to them can help them feel supported. There may be times when siblings need a plan to stay safe or out of the way and you can talk about this together.

Giving them time: spending one-on-one time with each child can help them feel valued. This can be tricky if you have a large family, you are a single parent or if you are your PDA child’s safe person. Try finding a time to give them your full attention regularly, even if it is for a short period. If there is more than one adult available, it can be helpful to do things separately. This way the PDAer can choose whether to join in or not.

Taking a break: having time away from the house can give siblings space from intense home situations. Try asking trusted family or friends who can help you support siblings to attend clubs, activities or playdates separately. Even creating space in your home where they can have quiet alone time makes a difference.

Having fun as a family: creating moments to enjoy as a family can really help to build relationships. Try suggesting some low demand activities like watching a movie or doing arts and crafts together. Encouraging children to team up against adults in a fun game can help build bonds between siblings.

Sharing experiences: talking to someone who knows what they are going through can really help. Some local disability charities run sibling support groups where children can spend time with people who understand. Sibs, a charity supporting siblings of disabled children, have a section on their website for young siblings.

Sometimes it can feel like siblings of a PDAer are missing out on time with parent/carers or doing fun things. By talking and sharing you can help them to better understand the situation and their sibling. Giving small amounts of regular time and attention to each child can be enough for them to feel seen.

“Our PDA daughter would need me to stay next to her until she was asleep every night. This meant that I didn’t get to spend much time with her older brother in the evenings.
We realised it was worth him having a slightly later bedtime so that I could give him some 121 time once she had finally gotten to sleep.” *Kirsty

Where did this information come from?

PDAers and their families often tell us how confusing and unsettling it can be to meet new professionals - especially when it's not clear what their job is or what good support looks like. That’s why we asked professionals themselves to tell us, in their own words, what they do. You’ll find their honest, personal answers in the ‘What professionals do’ section of our site.

What professionals Do

This is a growing resource, so if you don’t see the role you’re looking for yet, you could ask the person you're working with to fill in this short form.